Parneting as Spiritual Practice: Honoring the Not-So-Still Small Voice by Jane Lister Reis I want a world of truth, not the hardness and the glitter A world that loves its colors and cherishes its youth. I want a world of faith, all the broken and the bitter Held inside our hearts 'til it's whole again And I never loved so hard, never dreamed so wild 'Til I saw the future in you my child. - from "I Want a World for You" by Betsy Rose One of the fun, joyful aspects about being human is meeting extraordinary people "disguised" as ordinary people. Such was my experience when I had a conversation with Betsy and Mary Rose, two sisters and the mothers (respectively) of Matthew, 6 and Margaret, 13. We sat down together to talk about spiritual parenting: what it is and how they are working to bring their spiritual perspectives into their daily lives as parents. Jane: What is it about "spiritual parenting" that makes it different from simply healthy psychological parenting? Betsy: There are many books available now that help us be more effective parents. I've been helped by many of them. Yet, in contrast to this emphasis on "how to," many spiritual traditions emphasize another quality — humility — and that is different, and very difficult. It means coming to parenting with what Buddhists call "don't know" or "beginner's" mind. Spiritual parenting, for me, means allowing myself to be taught, to be informed by my child's reality. My role as parent is not to always be molding and "civilizing" my child. It is also to go where he is, mold myself to his inner rhythm, take seriously his truth ("Yes, mommy, my shirt label really does itch my neck so I can't wear it.") It means softening, listening, and allowing space to receive and believe what my child brings to this world. So many children today are being labeled as hyperactive, ADD/ADHD, and generally disruptive and difficult. How much of this perceived problem is rooted in the child's inner rhythm not matching the drumbeat of the busy, over-scheduled world around them? When a parent or teacher can breathe, slow down, allow their inner, highly developed "ordinary time" clock to rest, we often find that the "problem" child is immediately much less of a problem! It's a question of timing and rhythm, not innate "difficulty." Yet we're now living such fast-paced, high-pressured lives (and parents bear the brunt of the impossible pressures on adults in this society) that children's natural rhythms are lost in the shuffle. Bringing a spiritual basis to this relationship can mean allowing space and time to unfold in a different way, meeting our children on their natural ground, not constantly dragging them onto ours. Jane: Mary, how did you come to understand this concept of spiritual parenting? What was it in your life that taught you to honor this sense of childlike innocence and purity? Mary: As a child, I felt my inner spirit, my real self, was not seen or acknowledged. I felt judged by external standards and expectations, and I seemed to be constantly out of step with what was expected of me. It has been a long struggle to repair the damage and reclaim myself. What I want for my daughter, Margaret, (and for all children) is that she not be separated from or feel she must hide who she really is, in all her uniqueness. This can be challenging for me as a parent. For example, Margaret has been fascinated with makeup since she was very young. In my childhood family, makeup and preoccupation with appearance were disdained, seen as a little trivial, shallow, maybe a little sinful. Then, when I was a young adult, the "natural look" was part of our expression of freedom as women. Now I had to ask myself what was an appropriate response to Margaret’s interest in makeup. I feared that her self-image was becoming dependent on external appearance; I wanted to instruct her in feminist values, but I kept saying to myself, "Well, let’s see where this goes. Let's see what this is all about." I held back from judgment, keeping mindful that this meant something to her that I had yet to understand. Doing makeovers with her friends is developing her skill and sense of art and color on the human face. Lately she’s become interested in fashion photography, and now she's studying photography and really loving it! Another challenge I’ve felt as Margaret enters her teen years is finding a heart-centered balance between continuing to support the emergence of her unique spirit and encouraging her to move into new levels of responsibility. This has been very stressful for me because our society is geared strongly toward control and mistrust of teens. I’ve been afraid that if I let go too much and don’t hold her to the grindstone of societal demands and expectations she will fail or get into trouble. On the other hand, pushing too hard takes away the joy of life and of the amazing growth going on at this time in her life. As I’ve struggled with this, I've become increasingly committed to a relationship with Margaret that is based on trust and faith in her inner wisdom. I believe that if we have faith in our children's goodness and wisdom, then we can help them make wise choices about their lives. A book that I have found particularly helpful is Hugh and Gayle Prather’s Spiritual Parenting. While most parenting literature emphasizes the importance of having a consistent set of rules and consequences for children, the Prathers identify two kinds of consistency: inner and outer. Outer consistency is following "the letter of the law," never varying from rules and consequences. With inner consistency, however, the heart is consistent in coming from love: tuning in and really listening to our children and their needs. Children who feel that their parents are consistently checking in with their own loving heart and sense of truth, and deciding according to that, are living in an altogether different kind of security, and this is a true gift to our children! Betsy: I’ve struggled with some of these same issues. My son Matthew is very interested in guns, violence, death, war, and bombs, like many little boys. As a Buddhist, feminist, and peace activist I was totally shocked to see this develop in him. My response is what I call "Tai Chi": to not resist rigidly, to observe and stay connected with him while he explores this intriguing world. After all, kids are surrounded by exciting images of power and violence, and children's play is their way of working out an understanding of reality. "Children are truly our greatest spiritual teachers, because they really put our feet to the fire!" I try to find a balance: not being passive, uncritical, but also not judging or putting down his fascination. I see him really struggling with his own innate tenderness for all living things, which comes out in so many ways, along with his fascination with this violent power world. It's a tough one. In struggling to find my answers to his questions, to articulate what I feel and think about power, I'm growing right alongside him. Jane: Betsy, is there one spiritual or religious teaching that has helped you to understand parenting as a spiritual practice? Betsy: There are many teachings, and teachers that help us return to our deeper nature. Children are truly our greatest spiritual teachers, because they really put our feet to the fire! They test, by their innate natures, our ideas, principles, and beliefs about who we are, what truth is, and what we value. They push us past our mental ideas and fantasies into gritty reality. We find out what's really inside us: our own wounded childhoods, our hidden authoritarian, our unexpected tempers and meanness, and sometimes our complete incompetence! This is humbling stuff! Yet it is the very road to "enlightenment." For me, spiritual growth is not "Every day in every way I'm getting better and better." It is about the gritty, daily practice of "chop wood; carry water." It’s living from the heart in close proximity with one who really will not accept anything less. Children don't give up without a huge fuss. If we pay attention to their fuss, "listen more closely," and meet them in the truth they live in, we ourselves can be liberated, at least for precious moments, from the dry and dutiful life of American life in the '90s. Jane: Where does your own spiritual faith or belief fit in? Betsy: It’s very important. If we believe that there is some kind of divine power and purpose to this universe, it changes how we parent. When I feel safe and secure in the great love of the universe, I can relax more with the ups and downs of daily life with Matt. This is a hard world to have faith in, so I am constantly reaching deeper for a faith that can hold even the traumas of this pre-millennial era. How I frame these times has a huge effect on how relaxed and hopeful I am as a person and parent. These times often look like death, breakdown, despair, but maybe this is the last push of a great birthing, a birth of new consciousness and relationship to life that we've been about for decades, maybe centuries. In any case, I don't want to surround my child with my worries, despairs, and doubts about outcomes based on lack of faith, so I work hard to cultivate my faith in the universe and the great unfolding we're a part of. Mary: I want Margaret to have that faith, too, and so I need to model it. I want her to know that the universe is a loving presence that we can trust, and I want to help her understand that she can bring her own precious spirit into the world — even into one that hurts and mocks but cannot destroy — because we are connected to a love that is greater than all darkness. Betsy Rose is a writer, musician, singer, and graduate of The Institute in Culture and Creation Spirituality (founded by Matthew Fox). She will be performing songs from her newest CD, Motherlight, on Thursday, October 8 at Seattle Midwifery School (call [206] 322-8834) and on Friday, October 9 at the La Leche League of Washington 1998 Area Conference (call [425] 742-0982). Mary Rose works at a children's school in Bellevue and is also a practicing healer and advocate of spiritual transformation for children and adults. Jane Lister Reis is the author of A Call to Love: Opening to the Sacred in Ourselves, Each Other and in Our World, available through A Call to Love Foundation, 720 North 84th Street, Seattle, WA 98103; call (206) 783-2259 or e-mail A_Call_To-Love@juno.com