This is Your Life by Krysta Gibson A woman left a message on our voice mail this month. She said she was "horrified" by one of the ads in The New Times and hoped that we "screen" our advertisers so that they can't take advantage of people, especially women, within a sexual context. She didn't leave a phone number so I was not able to call her and discuss her concerns. Her message gnawed at me, though. It began to bug me. And I realized she had brought up a much bigger issue than one ad in one newspaper. She brought up the issue of personal responsibility. For many people, this is not an issue because they don't feel they have any responsibility for their own lives or decisions. It is easy to find people who feel their parents, employer, government, or spouse is responsible for their happiness and well-being. Nothing could be further from the truth. Each person is responsible for his or her own life and decisions. If we aren't, who is? Each of us is constantly faced with choices on an hourly basis. Do we do this or that? Do we go here or there? Do we work at a job we hate or do we assertively position ourselves to find something more suitable? Which astrologer do we see? Which psychic? Which bodyworker or counselor? No one can make any of those decisions for us. No one can tell us what is best for us. No one can tell us which situations will hurt us and which will help us. People in positions such as mine as publisher of a newspaper can only be responsible for not knowingly publishing any information which is invalid. When this woman said she hoped we screen advertisers, I doubt she realized what she was saying. Think about it. How can any newspaper screen their advertisers effectively? What criteria would we use? No one would knowingly publish anything by felons or sexual predators, thieves or murderers, unless it was a confession, apology, or information that might help other people avoid the same mistakes. But how are we to know this about someone without doing a police background check on the person in question? And what about molesters, thieves, and murderers who have never been arrested? Are we to hire private detectives to investigate the background of the people who place ads with us or write articles? What criteria would we use for deciding to accept an ad? In this community we have a diverse lot of folks offering services, some of them very unusual and not open to being accredited by a school or governing body of other professionals. For instance, when a psychic wants to place an ad, how is The New Times supposed to check the person out? Do we have ten personal sessions and calculate the accuracy? Where do we cut the person off? Do we turn down anyone who isn't 85% accurate or do we cut them off at 90%? What if they look at us "funny" or we don't like their "energy?" Do we turn them down then? Just because someone comes into our office and they feel "sleazy" or manipulative to us, do we say, "We won't take your ad"? How do we define sleazy or manipulative? According to whom? Someone who I think is "sleaze personified" may be someone else's dreamboat. What sort of arrogance would I have to have to think it's up to me to look at someone's ad and say, "Oh, I'll bet this person is going to take advantage of women. I'd better not take this ad." Unless I've had a verifiable, detailed complaint about someone, on what grounds do I have the right to make that decision? Although The New Times reserves the right to refuse ads at any time, and has done so and will probably do so again, it is an action we consider very seriously before taking. Looking for professional credentials in our community can be difficult. What kind of professional credentials can a psychic have? Or an astrologer? A tarot reader or a shaman? Many of the professionals in our community don't have letters after their names, and if they did, what would that mean? How many times have psychiatrists, medical doctors, priests, ministers, teachers, and politicians abused the trust put in them? Credentials help sometimes, but can't be the definitive source for making a decision. Can you imagine a tire store placing an ad with The Seattle Times and The Times having a policy that they won't take the ad unless a representative from the newspaper goes to the store and verifies that, yes, they are selling tires, and, yes, they are of high quality for the price being offered? Anyone would admit that is ludicrous. Don't you think that it is up to each customer to check out the store if it interests them? Don't you expect them to go look at the tires and the prices and make their own decision about value? If they show up at the store and there are no tires in sight wouldn't you expect them to leave rather than stand around and ask, "Why didn't The Seattle Times make sure there were tires at this store before they took the ad?" Of course, if the newspaper had complaints about the tire store being disreputable, one would expect them to refuse future advertising. So what can a person do to take care of themselves when seeking goods or services of any kind? Pay attention to your feelings while talking to the prospective helper. When you respond to an ad, have a list of questions ready to ask the person. Here are some ideas: "What do you do?" (Get as much detail as you can. If the person is vague or avoids answering this question, it might be best to move on.) "What kind of training have you had to do this?" "Who have you studied with?" "How much experience have you had?" If the answers don't satisfy you, call someone else. "Can you give me some names of satisfied clients who can give me a reference about your services?" (This can be difficult in cases such as therapists who must observe confidentialty regarding their clients. In that case, ask the person to give you a reference to another professional who can vouch for them.) This is the time to ask about fees. What does the person charge? If it isn't in your budget, don't go. If you're looking for counseling or therapy, ask how many sessions it usually requires for resolution. If they want a three-year committment from their clients and you want a six-month plan, it's not a match. As you are speaking with the person, pay attention to how you are feeling? Do you like the person? Does he or she seem to be paying attention to you and your needs? Are they responding in a professional manner? Do you feel "funny" or uncomfortable talking to them? If you don't feel good about the person in your first contact, it is likely they are not the person for you. Thank them for their time and try calling someone else. Once you are actually working with someone, don't assume you have to go along with whatever they want you to do. You have the power in the situation, not them. They are working for you. You are paying them just like your boss pays you. You are the one who decides if they get fired or not.It is easy with a counselor, bodyworker, psychic, or shamanic counselor to feel like a small child. They seem to know so much more than you do. Frequently, our unresolved childhood issues rise to the surface in the presence of such people and we can begin to feel powerless. It is important to remember we aren't children any more and have an incredible amount of power, such as the power to leave situations which make us feel vulnerable or at risk. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to do it, but we are capable of it. The following are some behaviors which should cause you to run for the door, leave, and report the person to the appropriate authorities. Sexual touching of any kind by a therapist, bodyworker, psychic, shaman, or doctor is never okay. Once in awhile some self-proclaimed spiritual teachers and prophets will declare that you can't become enlightened unless you have sex with them or allow them to do something sexual to you. This is not true and if anyone says this to you, get away from them right away. Some unscrupulous counselors working with sexual healing issues tell people they must engage in sexual conduct or touching with the counselor in order to heal. This is a lie. If someone tries this one with you, get out fast. Another scam is being told you must give all your money and belongings to someone or else you can't be part of their group and won't be "saved," whatever that means. Enlightenment can't be bought. The only enlightenment you'll get is the realization that you've been had—which might be worth it if you learn not to do it again. It is good and right to support the groups, businesses, and individuals who help us and who we believe in. But giving in this way is not to be confused with signing over all you have to someone and then wondering what happened when you discover you're penniless and the recipient of your money is driving a Jaguar. Remember that all the people offering goods and services are still learning themselves. Get rid of the idea that there are some perfected beings running around out there and that if you could only find them, some of the perfection will rub off on you and you'll be okay. An entire book has been written about the shortcomings of Mother Teresa. If she has areas that still require improvement, you think other people don't? The best meaning therapist or bodyworker is going to make mistakes and one of those mistakes might be with you. Be willing to forgive if this happens to you. Be aware that is quite different from someone deliberately taking advantage of you and trying to use you. It's really up to each person to be aware and willing to take responsibility for their own health, well-being, and decisions. Don't expect the government, your parents, spouse, employer, or publications to do this job for you. All of us can do our best to be sure we don't knowingly place anyone in danger, but it is up to you to take care of yourself. Only you know what is right for you. Each person has to step forward and be willing to make their own determination if a certain product or service is right for them and to take responsibility if they are wrong. If someone feels slimy to you, don't go to them or leave if you are already there. When I was much younger I was very gullible and overly trusting of people and situations. I used to say that I'd call my autobiography Gullible's Trabels! I tended to believe what people told me rather than using my own brain and intuition. I was taken advantage of, used, and abused in several situations, in some cases by professional people with lots of degrees after their names. These people were wrong for what they did. They saw a naive young woman who was easily led and took advantage of that. I finally woke up and realized what was happening to me. I stopped it. I took back my power and my ability to choose and I quit attracting those types of people into my life. It was an emotionally expensive series of workshops that I have forgiven myself for having to go through, but they were also invaluable to me. If you find that you are being conned by somebody, be grateful for the realization, take the learning and get out. If you feel the person is in a position to hurt others and you can report them to some type of governing body, even if only the Better Business Bureau, do it. If you met them through The New Times, call me and tell me what happened—but be prepared to give me your name, phone number, and complete details about the incident. It is not fair to charge someone with misconduct using innuendo rather than facts, refuse to release your identity, and then expect me or anyone else to act on the information. It doesn't work that way. If you need to confront them and can do so, do it. If you need to have a mediator present in order to be sure you will be safe and heard, do it. Do whatever you need to do to learn from the situation. If you can help others to avoid the same person or situation, do so. Then move on. There are a lot of hurtful things and people in this world of ours alongside many wonderful things and people. Part of growing up is being able to tell the difference. It's time for people to begin taking complete responsibility for their choices and quit expecting other people and organizations to make life artificially safe for them. Ultimately, you must realize this is your life and act accordingly.