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As my friends and I mature, I find it encouraging to notice how the ways we buy and give gifts also mature. Many families have gotten so big that they draw names from a hat and exchange only one gift, rather than having to buy dozens of them. Others simply agree to buy gifts for only those they feel drawn to do this for. I know others are also searching for new and more appropriate ways to give. But still there is that expectation. There is that pressure from society to "do the right thing" and give gifts to families and loved ones. How does that feel to you? It has never felt good to me. There are always the gifts that must be returned, given away, or thrown out. They usually come from the same people year after year. What a waste of energy! It taints the experience of coming together as family, and adds a feeling of heaviness to the experience. The whole gift-giving thing that happens around Christmas, as well as other holidays and birthdays, is a reflection of where we are as a society. It began as a sincere expression of appreciation for loved ones. We find it important to express our love, and giving a gift is simply one of the ways we do that. Yet it became a tradition and an expectation. Duty and obligation entered the picture, which dampens much of the joy of coming together as a family. As I contemplate this, I can’t help but notice that this is a reflection of an even greater expectation in our society; an expectation that holds us back. Some people actually believe that they are responsible for the well-being and welfare of others. They also believe others are incapable of living a happy life without their intervention. It is expected that they attend to the needs of others first, especially the needs of their loved ones, before attending to their own personal needs. Like giving gifts, unless this is an inspired action, it is wasted energy. Many people are very well meaning when they set out to purchase gifts. Even if they engage in the buying activity due to obligation, they sincerely wish to select good gifts. They search high and low. They put plenty of thought into it, and even agonize over the decision of what to buy. Yet often the results represent what they want from life, not what the recipients want. The gifts are things the givers find valuable, but the recipients may not. More often than not, the good intentions are appreciated, but the gifts themselves are not. There are others who buy gifts purely to avoid personal embarrassment. They fully understand their duties, and they don’t like them. Yet the expectation is so high, and fueled by such a strong mass of consciousness, that they feel they must find gifts in order to save face. These gifts are received as more things to get rid of or — worse — as reminders of how thoughtless and inconsiderate the givers are. When people make the welfare of others their responsibility, they run into the same troubles they do with giving gifts on a schedule. Even when their intentions are pure and they sincerely wish to help, awareness may be missing. Like giving gifts that are not inspired, they have no idea what is best for others, and they are asserting their values in others’ lives. Even though the good intentions are appreciated, it is an extra burden to have to wear the values of others. In most large families, those with good intentions toward us are smaller in number than those who don’t really know us or don’t really care about us. This is certainly the case with the human family. The majority of people who are obligated to be responsible for you haven’t a clue about what is best for you. Yet it is their duty and responsibility to look after your welfare. This energy is a heavy burden on all of us, and is often received with a great deal of resentment. It is time to take our power back. We must become responsible for ourselves. You have a guidance system that directs you toward your heart’s desires, including safety and security. If you follow your guidance system, it will direct you toward what you desire from life. Your guidance system is your Source; it has infinite awareness available to it. Your guidance system is very personal. It consists of your feelings, and no one can feel your feelings like you can. Yes, others can be aware of your feelings when they tune in. However, they do not feel the moment-by-moment changes, the subtleties, and the intensity of your feelings. Yet, when it comes to others, you may think you know what is best for them. You may think you know better than their guidance system. One of the reasons this feeling is so strong is that you intuitively know what is best for yourself as an individual, and you may mistakenly assume it is also best for every one else. Imagine this: you have a teenage son who is smoking dope and a teenage daughter who has already been pregnant once and looks like she is well on her way to getting there again with the new loser she calls a boyfriend. Don’t you feel some sense of obligation to try to control these two? Don’t you feel the need to stop them from hurting themselves and wreaking havoc on the whole family? Wouldn’t it keep you awake at night and prevent you from concentrating at work? I know for most people the answer to these questions would be yes! Most parents believe they do know what is best for their children. Yet this is in direct conflict with what I explained earlier about our guidance systems. You might question, "If my children have guidance systems, why are they doing things that are so harmful to them and to our family?" The reason is that most people are unaware they even have guidance systems, so they are not following their guidance. If they were left alone to sort it all out without interference, you would find that they rediscover their guidance systems. And to quicken their learning, you could master the lesson yourself — teaching by example is the only effective way of teaching. So many books have been written on the subject of the dysfunctional parenting and teaching models we all grew up with. It’s clear that as little ones, we were poorly trained by those who came before us. But what most don’t realize is that we entered this world with full awareness of our guidance systems. The little ones who have just been born are much more aware than the ones who are attempting to teach them "the ways of the world." Think about how children learn to speak. They already understand us — they understand through their feelings. These little ones also understand that their elders don’t respond to vibrational forms of communication, so they learn verbal forms. And on it goes, as parents train the wisdom out of these fresh new adventurers, teaching them that they need to follow rules to remain safe and that they are responsible for the feelings and well-being of others. Selfishness is underrated; it has been given a bad rap. As with gift giving, the person you are most qualified to give to is yourself. You know what you want (unless you don’t and that is a topic for a different article), but you don’t know what another wants. You may think you know what others want, but — just like the day after Christmas — many gifts are returned or received as an insult. How receptive are you when others imposes their good intentions upon you, when they think they know what is best for you and for your life? Wouldn’t it be better to give to others only when you are inspired to — and from the absolute joy of your being, rather than on a prescribed schedule? And so it is with life. You can only be responsible for yourself. When you are selfish and look after your own needs first, you are centered and have the clarity and willingness necessary to assist others when they ask. Many people think selfishness is when someone has no concern for others. Yet that is an understandable response to the pushy and irresponsible meddling of others. Many people just don’t give a rip about others because other people have been so offensive and harmful to them. Nor do they wish to repeat this behavior themselves. So often the people who are judged for being selfish are the greatest teachers. Life will flow much more smoothly for you when you embrace the idea of being more selfish. Trusting that others can look after themselves will free your mind and energy up to improve your experience of life. Don’t you like it best when you are interacting with a happy and confident person? Your friends and loved ones will appreciate you more when you take care of yourself first. Initially, the most needy and dysfunctional ones will rebel, but they will either leave your life or change too. In this way, you do help others to change by setting an example of how fantastic life can be. Do not to worry about the ones who leave your life. New and more responsible people will enter it. Unless you wish to remain stuck in your own dysfunctional approach to life, your life must change. This includes letting some people leave and allowing new people to come in. Do I expect you to stop giving gifts at Christmas and on birthdays? No, if you got that out of this article, then please read it again. My hope is that you will begin to make yourself the number one priority in your life, that you will make it your intention to learn how to make this transition. The simple act of making it your intention will guarantee that the teacher and lessons will come. Have a Merry Christmas and take good care of yourself. You deserve it! Michael Skowronski is a spiritually oriented life coach and counselor. He offers the free "Walk On Water" ezine and the free "Facts of Life" ecourse from his website: <http://gr8wisdom.com>. For a limited time, on a first-come-first-served basis, Michael is also offering free counseling services. Please email comments or questions to <Michael@gr8Wisdom.com>. |
It’s
hard to believe that it is Christmas time again. Every year goes
by faster than the last.