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Turning Yuk into Yuk Yuk
— C. S. Lewis Anyone can be happy in heaven. It takes skill to be happy in hell. While I’m no expert on the subject of being happy in hell, this isn’t due to a lack of hardship. It’s just that the stakes are always raised whenever I make progress, so I remain a beginner. It’s like that mountain climbing allegory: whenever you make it to the top of one mountain, you can see that an even higher peak awaits you. Since I can’t claim mastery of a "happy in hell" attitude, how come I’m writing about it? Well, if I wait until I master the subject, I might be waiting for a very long time. Also, people teach what they need to know. If I offer some tips about being happy in hell, I’m sure faithful readers will point out my errors or offer additional tips, both of which will help me grow. In Dr. Cat’s Helping Handbook, there’s a chapter called "How to Love Your Shame," in which I suggest that shame feels so awful that most people act compulsively in the midst of it, instead of doing what’s truly helpful. Shame is like quicksand: if you don’t know in advance how to deal with it, you might dig yourself in deeper trying to flail your way out. The same thing applies to being happy in hell. If you have some tricks up your sleeve for dealing with shit, you’ll probably do better when it hits the proverbial fan. Also, since stress can dampen memory, it’s good to have additional tricks to help you remember your tricks! Acronyms are one of my favorite memory jogs. Apropos to the subject at hand, I’ll use the acronym HAPPY IN HELL to outline a few techniques for parrying life's onslaughts with grace. H stands for HONOR WHAT’S HAPPENING. In a 1989 Sun interview, I asked Ram Dass how he prays. He said, "When I pray, I never ask for anything, because I don’t even know why things are the way they are. How could I ask for them to be different? The only thing I ask is, ‘Help me understand better what’s happening so my actions will come out of more wisdom.’ " A stands for ASK FOR HELP. My favorite shaman, Michael Harner, says that there is no self-help. I love that! His statement does a number to the control-addicted part of me that thinks I can — or should — do everything myself. The truth is, I can’t even take a breath without the support of the entire universe. Sometimes I’m willing to ask for help, but don’t know what I need. In that case, I ask someone I trust — a friend, mentor, or consultant — to help me figure out what I need. Then, if what I need requires additional support, I ask the relevant person. This brings up the fear of rejection. When someone says no when I ask for help, I try to remember that it’s my request — not me — that’s being rejected. It’s never any particular person’s job to help me. Rather, it’s my job to ask other people until I get the help I need. P stands for POLISH YOUR PERCEPTIONS. For years, I used mood-altering substances — primarily marijuana and caffeine — to deal with emotional pain, anxiety and fear, shame, fatigue, boredom — even excitement. My "allies" helped me survive. However, they also hurt me, because drugs enhance certain perceptions while clouding others, and they enhance certain moods while denying others. The result is decreased clarity and destabilized emotions. I don’t know about you, but in hellish situations, I like to have all my wits about me: I want my perceptions polished and my emotions stable, so my actions — and my internal experience — arise from a centered place in me. Drugs were a valuable crutch when I didn’t know how to walk, but walking with crutches is nothing like walking free. P stands for PRACTICE CRAZY WISDOM. For me, crazy wisdom means imagining the wildest or weirdest thing possible, and then doing it — or some symbolic representation of it. For example, I was raised to be extremely polite. Sometimes I lament this training when I encounter intractable people who treat good manners as an invitation to attack. One of my crazy wisdom techniques for dealing with these people is to imagine myself as a Tyrannosaurus Rex, an Arnold Schwarzenegger, or an Andrew Vachss. Then I say whatever I need to say in my own style, but with the extra "kick butt" support of my alter ego’s persona. Y stands for YIELD THE RIGHT OF WAY. When things don’t go my way — whether for moments or years — I can either persist in my arrogant assumption that things should go my way, or I can yield the right of way. Yielding changes my perspective on a situation, which — according to quantum physics — inevitably changes the situation itself. As a bonus, yielding the right of way helps me focus on changing what I can change, namely, myself and my own expectations. This is obviously more effective than trying to change the world. I stands for INHALE AND EXHALE. In 1974, I fell in love with a tantra teacher who was deep into breath work (we called it rebirthing back then). Years of training with him and many others taught me how "circular" (continuous) breathing can rejuvenate the body, stimulate brain function, balance emotions, increase creativity, heighten spiritual awareness, and improve sex. Since hellish situations tend to put a damper on everything I just mentioned, the single most important thing to do during stress — or anytime — is to keep breathing. Inhale and exhale! N stands for NURTURE YOURSELF. During a long period of adversity, I rented space from a much loved but very boisterous and boundary-less group of friends. Imagine a solitary, privacy-loving cat trapped in a pack of barking, bantering, bickering dogs, and you’ll have some idea of my daily (and nightly) experience at what I came to call "Grand Central Circus." For the first few years of my tenure in "the pack," I naïvely assumed that simple consideration would be granted if I merely meowed politely enough. When that failed, I meowed louder, and occasionally, in fits of sleep-deprived exasperation, I growled. These methods had some effect on the local majority, who mercifully decided that curbing a few of their behaviors was easier than listening to some obnoxious cat yowl about them. However, curbing inconsiderate behavior is much different from eliminating it, and eventually I realized that it was unfair to keep asking dogs — however human — to act like cats. Ultimately, I knew that my stay at Grand Central Circus was "graduate school," and that my assignment was not only to survive, but also to thrive. I succeeded in surviving, but I had a tough time thriving on less than three uninterrupted hours of sleep every night for years. Sleep — the mother of all nurturing activities — was virtually impossible at Grand Central Circus, and other unmentionable qualities made that place a nightmare for me. Yet its lack of external support — and the general adversity of the time — caused considerable internal growth. That period provided harsh lessons in the temptation — and futility — of revenge, the challenge of remaining civil in the face of torment (I didn’t always succeed), and the absolute necessity of nurturing myself (especially with daily dancing). It was, as C. S. Lewis would say, terrible and good at the same time. H stands for HANDLE YOUR HANG-UPS. Whenever I find myself in hell, I notice that the local demons always look mighty familiar. The local demons, of course, are my own peculiar set of emotional hang-ups — that strange and mysterious collection of karmic myths, cultural conditioning, and family patterns that contribute to, and detract from, my innate personality. This eclectic mix of gold and garbage sometimes triggers an unfortunate array of automatic behavior during stressful situations. Needless to say, automatic behavior — the garbage part of that eclectic mix — increases the likelihood that difficult situations will become downright hellish. Thus, I’m a big advocate of handling hang-ups through various means: personal observation and reflection, ongoing behavioral modification, and the help of watchdog friends and consultants. Ram Dass said that after decades of work on himself, "I haven’t gotten rid of one neurosis. Not one. The only thing that has changed is that while before these neuroses were huge monsters that possessed me, now they’re like little Shmoos that I invite over for tea. I say, ‘Oh, sexual perversity! Haven’t seen you in weeks!’ They’re sort of my style now. When your neuroses become your style, then you’ve got it made." E stands for EXPAND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. To me, personal responsibility is the number one issue in life. If everyone on the planet suddenly took 100% responsibility for themselves and their actions, heaven on earth would manifest overnight. I’m not holding my breath waiting for that to happen. Besides, taking 100% responsibility has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me. All I can do is work on myself and my own behavior. Considering the magnitude of this project, it should keep me busy for, say, the rest of my life. L stands for LAUGH. When I distill the essence of my soul into one image, it’s always the same: a cosmic grin. During ghastly experiences of pain, loss, hardship, or fear, something will suddenly strike me as funny, and I’ll crack up laughing. Humor in the midst of hell — and perhaps even because of it — is my saving grace. Some people think this makes me a masochist or a bona fide nut case, but I cultivate this quality in myself. For one thing, it makes me feel good; laughter stimulates endorphins, after all. Also, humor helps me remember the big picture, namely, that the trials and tribulations of material existence are merely different aspects of the same cosmic dance of lila (Sanskrit for "God’s play"). L stands for LET GO. When all else fails — and in general — I remind myself to let go. Let go of grudges against self or others. Let go of the illusion of control. Let go of needing to be seen or heard, wanted or appreciated. Let go of needing to be important at all. Let go of pride, perfectionism, and preconceived definitions of happiness. Let go of entitlement-based notions about deserving to be happy. Let go of shame-based fears about not deserving to be happy. Let go of needing to feel happy in order to be happy. Let go of needing to be happy at all! In short, let go of anything and everything that stands in the way of experiencing heaven on earth, even when it’s hell. Cat Saunders, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and the author of Dr. Cat’s Helping Handbook (available at bookstores, Amazon.com, or discounted at $13.95 direct from the publisher at <http://www.drcat.org>). To read Cat’s complete Ram Dass interview excerpted in this article, or to learn more about Cat’s work, please visit <http://www.drcat.org>. You can also contact Cat by calling (206) 329-0125. |
People who have
not been in Narnia sometimes think that a thing cannot be good
and terrible at the same time.