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For several months after the holidays in 1996, I had the feeling that I was not fulfilling my soul’s purpose. I felt empty and unfulfilled. I felt as though I was in a trance, wandering aimlessly each day. Perhaps, I thought to myself, if I meditate more often, Spirit would guide me to find my way, to find that inner peace. I was continuously searching. I read books, took yoga lessons, participated in spiritual retreats, and so on. Yet even after all these things, I was still looking for something to fill the void. What am I looking for? Why does my heart feel so empty? These questions lingered for many days. Then, one night, I had a dream of a small child, about nine years old, standing on a stage, lecturing or reciting (I’m not sure which). I was the only audience. "Why do you feel so distressed?" the child asked. "I really don’t know," I responded, "I feel as though I have not done what I am supposed to do here and I feel I have failed." "What do you think you are supposed to do?" she asked again. "I’m not sure exactly. I think I am supposed to help people spiritually, but I don’t understand what this means." "You’ll never find out what it means until you forgive me." "Forgive you?" I asked. "Why do I need to forgive you?" "Because all this time, you blamed me for everything that has happened to you. I didn’t do anything wrong. I only did what you wanted." "I thought it was what I wanted. You told me something different, didn’t you?" "I tried to warn you it was not the right thing, that it was not the best thing for you, but you didn’t listen to me. I tried all sorts of ways so that you would listen to me, but you never did." "And I blame you for it?" "Yes." "Why do I blame you?" "Because you think we are not perfect. You think that we don’t deserve any of the good things. You think that we are supposed to suffer. In truth, everything is perfect, as it should be at this moment. You can’t do anything about the past, and you really can’t do anything about the future because what you do now will change it anyway. Open your eyes and look around you. Are you comfortable? Are you loved, and do you love in return? Are you surrounded with people who care about you even if you think no one cares? Are you with your soulmate? Are all your needs met? All these things you and I created together. Instead of rejoicing with me, you blame me for the things you think didn’t turn out your way, which, by the way, were not for your highest good; that’s why they didn’t turn out. Instead, you choose to hurt me — hurt us." "Forgive me, my friend," I said solemnly. "I had no idea I was hurting you this much. Will you forgive me?" "I don’t need to forgive you. There is nothing to forgive. I love you just the way you are," the child said. "Thank you. I love you, too. And, thank you for all the things you have provided." "Don’t thank me specifically, thank us. We create together, not apart. The blessings are for both of us. And, thank you." I am always astonished with the lessons a small child can teach us. That conversation with my inner child made me realize that gratefulness isn’t really about the external things we think it is. To be grateful is to forgive ourselves and release our past. To be grateful is to have the courage to confront our "dragons." We can postpone our battles, but they will keep returning. A time will come when we cannot push our dragons aside any longer. We will eventually have to put on our armor and walk inside the arena, hoping that we have the stamina to fight the battle and slay the dragon. But believe it or not, we eventually become victorious regardless of how many cuts, bruises, and broken bones we attain. Courage is something to be grateful for. Forgiveness is something to be grateful for. Such an epiphany is not reached without work. My internal cleansing was painful. There were many nights when I would just sit down and cry. Nothing triggered these tears — no sad movie or book — just plain breaking down. Each tear brought on more tears. Then, after several minutes of nonstop sobbing one evening, I said a prayer of thanks to the spirits, to the angels, to Higher Power and to the universe. My prayers were filled only with gratitude for my work, my husband, for all our needs being met, for my past, my present, my future, and for my entire life. It was only then, for the very first time, that I felt able to breathe again. It was like a rebirth. It was a rebirth! There is another aspect of gratefulness that I feel needs mentioning. In order to be grateful, we need to be open to receive. And, when we are open to receive, we are then able to give. What I mean by this is really quite simple. Being open to receive means being free of any expectations and doubts, knowing that all we need, want, and wish for, we already have or will have. It means that we are powerful beings with the capacity to create, and that what we create is based on love; it means that we believe and trust our Higher Power to guide us. It means that we take personal responsibility for what is occurring in our lives at this moment, that we have the power to change our future, that our intentions are for the highest good of all, and that we embrace life as it unfolds with arms wide open and hearts full of unconditional love. Being open to receive is not easy to do; personal and spiritual growth is not found in a two-hour workshop or in "how to" books, though these are tools that can help along the way. Being open to receive is being willing to be a work in progress. However, I can guarantee that once you begin taking the steps to becoming open to receive, what follows is an abundant flow of giving energy: giving your time to listen to a friend’s problem and helping her through a hard time, teaching a young student how to approach a difficult class project, giving your money without thinking about it (and not just one dollar but twenty) to a homeless individual who has been standing in the rain for hours on end, giving your sympathy and compassion to someone who has constantly irritated you, trusting a coworker who has betrayed you, or loving a family member whom you have never seen. When you open yourself to receive, you will find yourself giving yourself to all of these, showing your vulnerability with no pretenses. When you begin to see the changes in you, your heart will be full of gratitude. Cecilia Larson is an ordained minister and a holistic spiritual counselor. She facilitates workshops focusing on women’s spirituality and provides spiritual counseling and healing service. For more information, please call Cecilia at (425) 335-0430. |
I am
sure all of you have heard it many times: "be grateful for
all that you have." Each time we hear these words, we nod
our heads in agreement. "True," we say to ourselves,
"I have much to be thankful for." We hear and say these
words, but they have no meaning. In truth, none of us really
knows how to be grateful. Further, we do not know how to receive
gratefully.