— Michelangelo One year for Christmas, my parents bought my older sister the board game she’d always wanted: Monopoly. As is often the case with little sisters, I decreed the gift that she received superior to all my paltry possessions. I yearned for the paper money, the Community Chest. I longed to own Boardwalk. Since my sister owned the game, however, I could play only when Jackie and her friends allowed me. Not surprisingly, the bigger kids always won and I inevitably lost, rarely attaining more than a single motel on the low-rent Connecticut Avenue. I envied their ability to accumulate. Jackie and her buddies always snatched up the most desirable properties: Park Place, Boardwalk, Marvin Gardens. One day I remember thinking, "I’m going to win that game." I rolled some lucky dice. I managed to stay out of jail. I cornered the utilities and railroads, and before long, those elusive cobalt blue properties bore my little red plastic hotels. The Hilton clan had some serious competition in nine-year-old Mary Manin. Finally, everything on the board belonged to me. For the first time, I savored the giddy triumph of the newly rich and elite. Guess what happened after the game ended? Mom announced, "Time to clean up!" and Jackie unceremoniously dumped my vast real estate empire back in the box. I remember thinking, "Gosh, that’s it? We just put the game away. Wait just a Our lives change dramatically when we realize that it all goes back in the box. We can accumulate endlessly, multiplying our triumphs, but in the end, material good is rendered irrelevant. Whatever we put on our credit card, buy on auction at eBay, or compile in our stock portfolio doesn’t earn us eternal greatness. It all goes back in the box except for one thing, and that is our relationships. In the end, all that matters is that part of ourselves we’ve given to others. The balance in our bank account is temporary. The lives we’ve enriched by our loving make a difference that lasts forever. Think of your richest moment of the past year. Was it falling in love? Making a new friend? A certain look on your child’s face? For most of us, the richest moments have nothing to do with money and everything to do with relationship. When we really stop and think about it, what makes life great isn’t finance, but the caliber of our relationships. In learning to love well through every relationship we have, we touch greatness beyond anything the world honors and offers. I believe that all us have a divine assignment: to live in and express love. This is a task each of us is uniquely equipped to perform. Nobody else will ever know the precise mix of people that you do. Nobody else will ever have the same opportunities to bless their lives. Choosing to be a loving individual, to extend loving kindness to every person you encounter — from your partner, to your children, to your co-workers, to the server at the neighborhood café — is how you achieve lasting greatness. Fame is fleeting. Finances fluctuate. The impact of love is eternal. Interesting, then, how much time we devote to getting ahead, making ends meet, vs. loving one another better. Certainly, our careers can be important and fulfilling, but we might want to expend just a bit more of our energy on relationships. Flying home to Portland from a conference in Chicago, I sat next to a man named Bob, who, upon learning that I was a minister, poured out his life story. It seems Bob holds a top position in a multimillion-dollar company. Bob and his wife have a full-time nanny for their two children and vacation in Europe or the Bahamas every year. On the surface, Bob and his wife have it all. But something is missing. "My wife and I never talk about anything but the business of the house and the kids and where we’ll go on vacation," he said. "In a few years, when the kids are grown, I’m afraid my wife and I will look at each other and see strangers." Bob said he wanted to improve his marriage, but he did not know how. I asked him if his success in business had taken tremendous creativity, ingenuity, and hard work on his part. Bob modestly agreed. "You’ve really directed your creativity at work. Did you know you have the same opportunity with your personal relationships?" "What do you mean?" I explained to Bob my belief that, as children of God, we are born creative. In our professional lives, we might direct creativity toward material success, forgetting that the same natural ability we hone in our professional lives can help us succeed in what matters most: building great relationships. I asked him to think about how often he stayed awake nights strategizing or drumming up a new idea, how excited he became when that idea transformed into reality. "By partnering with God," I told him, "You could design your relationships the same way you’ve designed your career." If he gave toward his marriage the creative energy he lavished on his career, how might his relationship grow? Bob seemed intrigued. He asked questions. Then, just as our plane touched down, Bob backed off. "You know, our marriage may not be all that great, but we’re probably not any different from most people. We get by." Maybe one day Bob will change his mind. I hope so. He doesn’t have to settle for a mediocre marriage, because, like all of us, he has a tremendous capacity to give his way to greatness. I know that when relationships flounder, when we feel needy and empty, it’s easy to see only what is missing. But we really don’t need to get filled up in order to give: giving fills us up. The secret to enriching relationships is to give more of ourselves and, in fact, to practice unreasonable giving. Bob told me that his wife doesn’t really listen to him anymore. But is he listening to her? We have a generous God who provides everything we need, but so many of us operate as orphans, with thoughts of scarcity that we must get "ours" and hang on. God, whose generosity is without bounds, doesn’t keep score. And neither should we. Unreasonable giving is a spiritual practice that defies quid pro quo. Unreasonable giving doesn’t tally who gave what last. Unreasonable giving doesn’t withhold love until the other person gives his or her share. Unreasonable giving doesn’t nickel-and-dime emotions, never giving an iota of comfort or support for free. Unreasonable giving is devoid of ego. Unreasonable giving allows you to apologize first, no matter who apologized last time. Giving only what seems logical or reasonable doesn't fulfill us. We feel tense or begrudging, anticipating a reward and cheated if that reward is not forthcoming. In fact, we are cheating ourselves out of the joy that giving freely brings. If we give by percentages, we’ll start to measure who’s doing more. We’ll want to hold back when our partner or child appears to give less. Unreasonable giving is predicated on love, not percentages. To enrich relationships, we give our time, attention, and compassion. We give compliments. We acknowledge our child for cleaning his room, our spouse for making dinner, the bank teller who waited patiently while we fumbled for the checkbook. Unreasonable giving is spontaneous. It doesn’t keep score or attach strings. It offers the benefit of the doubt, not only to those who are easy to love, but those who challenge us as well. We give by listening without judging. We give by inviting others, "Tell me more." We give by sending the message, "What matters to you matters to me." Unreasonable giving dictates that others deserve our best. The way we feel about one another is not meant to be a well-guarded secret. Saying "I love you" to a spouse or child each morning is a single syllable, but a world, away from "Goodbye!" Speaking from the heart takes so little, yet often the words we most want to hear or say are the ones that go unspoken. Unreasonable giving doesn’t stand on ceremony. For instance, it is a very human reflex to turn away from the loved one who has hurt or upset us. We have to dig to a deeper place in ourselves and muster greater courage. If we move toward the spouse whose words stung or the child who misbehaved, the payoff is always there. We find a love that would not have shown itself any other way. Unreasonable giving shrugs off assumptions. No matter how well we think we know someone, we don’t know it all. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married three months or thirty years, if you’re the parent of a taciturn teenager, or if your parents never discuss anything more intimate with you than the weather report. Give your attention. Give with the anticipation of learning more about those you love. Unreasonable giving enriches the relationship while taking nothing away from the giver. Unreasonable giving brings joy that cannot be bought at any price. Everything else goes back in the box. To learn more about Mary Manin Morrissey or her church, the Living Enrichment Center, or to find out the time and channel for her weekly TV broadcast in your area, call (800) 893-1000 or visit <http://www.lecworld.org>, where you can listen to a weekly webcast. |
The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it but that it is too low and we reach it.