I am once again following my dream. I am once again putting myself into the hands of Spirit and trusting that this strong inner urge is one of truth. I am being asked to have faith in the face of what looks like an impossibility. But the desire is stronger than it has ever been. It feels like a huge hand pushing me toward my destiny — one that I can envision clearly, yet is still not manifested. I have known that I have artistic talent since I was very young. When I was growing up, I was encouraged by my mother, yet thwarted by my father’s voice. "Artists cannot make a good living," was the message my father gave me. Society confirmed his words. I would often hear about the "starving artist" syndrome, but I am determined to prove that my inner calling is my truth. It has taken years of struggle to once again feel strong enough to follow this inner desire, this inner truth, and still many outer circumstances seem to defy my truth. Questions and fears rear up into my consciousness over and over again. "How will I ever make this work financially? Will my partner truly support me in this? Will I fail?" But I am being called, and I have had signs, like the gallery show I have been offered, although I had not been pursuing that venue. Twenty-five years of graphic design led to my creating a publication called The Higher Source seven years ago. During those years, I have been rebuilding a body of work and a body of ideas in which to manifest my career as an artist. Working and collaborating with the metaphysical community has inspired me to open to the images that come through me. I have been led to this time and this place, to step out and claim my abundance and fulfill my dream. My deep inner work around my father issues and low self-worth has been multifaceted. All the bodywork, energywork, workshops and seminars, counseling, and spiritual mentoring have brought me to a place where I am once again ready to believe in myself and make my dream a reality. It is time, but it is scary. I am ready, and Spirit is pushing, cajoling, calling. The Goddess has emerged through me with gentle nurturance. She has shown up in the images that I have put down on paper. She has been speaking to me and coaxing me to listen even more deeply. It is time for me to allow her to come through fully. She is asking me to show images of her that people can look at and vibrate with, touching them on a deep cellular level, inspiring them to follow their own deep inner dreams. Goddess is teaching me to trust. Fear seeps in. "How do I bring in enough money?" Goddess speaks. "We are all one. All knowledge is available to you. Tap into the oneness of the universe and all answers will be revealed to you." So I trust. The dark appears, looking like lack. Goddess nurtures me. "That is only what it appears to be; the reality is that life is abundant and never-ending. There is no such thing as ‘not enough.’ Call upon the forces of Mother Nature. Your needs will always be met — that is her nature — and Goddess/God is our source of all things. Life does not end; it only is transformed, so there is no need to fear." She strengthens my faith. Goddess represents a way of life that is total trust, complete inner peace. Archeological finds point to the theory that for many centuries the culture of the Goddess was the only one. There was peace and harmony in these cultures, and the way of life was directly influenced by Mother Earth. Herbs were used extensively for healing. Animals were sacred guides, and their habit patterns were deeply understood and integrated into human life. Rituals were performed that spoke directly to the forces of Mother Nature. The water, the soil, even the rocks were listened to intuitively. In the Goddess culture, the life cycles, the seasons, and the movements of the stars and planets are interwoven. This weaving of life enables us to understand the rhythm of birth, regeneration, and death with a profound sense of love and compassion for all living beings. It tells us that we are all one; like the threads that make up a fabric, we are a part of a greater being, not separate. Although I "see" this concept clearly and believe it is the way the universe works, I am still learning to understand it on deeper levels. The Goddess is educating me. My understanding of the Goddess is that she derives power from the male aspect, for although she represents a wholeness unto herself, she is empowered by the male energy of action, In ancient cultures, this was always represented by horns or an animal with horns. The wisdom was that women and men were equal, and each had a place in creating. As a modern woman, I can see this clearly. My relationship with a man has empowered me and stirred the forces of action within, but even more critical is understanding what a balanced inner male/female energy can mean. By returning to past memories and encounters with my male energy role model (my father), I am beginning to heal wounds. I am learning to embrace my father, to "see" him for the empowerment role he played in my life and to love him with true compassion, regardless of how he appeared to me as a child. Today, I am using my feminine energy of compassion, creativity, and intuitiveness to begin a nurturing relationship with my father, even though he has passed into another place. I am using my Goddess within to heal that area of my life and bring it into an equal and balanced state, for that is what the Goddess teaches. I see the Goddess at work all around me. Men are being validated for their intuition. They are more in touch with their feelings and emotions. The Goddess is an ancient sacred energy, one of holiness (wholeness). I already am that energy; I am simply remembering it. I give thanks to the Goddesses in my life, and to all of you out there, men and women, who allow the Goddess within to speak to you. The Goddess symbology has reemerged in our culture to guide us. The image of the Goddess is key to the transformation of our culture. As we begin to physically see new symbols of female power, the idea is reinforced, remembered. As the artist I claim to be, I let Goddess energy come through me. As co-creators, we allow Spirit to work through us, whether for daily life or for manifesting some big project. I am an instrument through which Spirit speaks, and I am being asked to use my talents as an artist to do this now! One of Suzanne Cheryl Gardner’s full-color Goddess pieces is on this month’s cover. Her first gallery show opens September 1 (11:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m. viewing; 5:30-7:00 p.m. reception) and runs through September at the Wild Womyn Gallery ([360] 379-9963), 252 Tyler St., Port Townsend. Suzanne can be reached at (206) 780-0230 or <suzanne@cezanneproductions.com>; see more of her work at <http://www.cezanneproductions.com/>. |
My dream of becoming a full-time artist has been elusive for many years. My low self-esteem and self-worth, and not believing in myself on a deep level, has influenced my life. For a long time, my decisions have been based on the fear of not being able to make enough money to be financially secure enough to pursue my dream. I have stepped out and taken the risk of making a living with my art in the past with no success, so my past failures haunt me. Yet, once again, I find myself taking a leap of faith, risking all I have built in my current business, to a future that is unknown and appearing insecure.