I was talking with a friend recently about how we deal with depression. At one point in the conversation she said, "Withdrawal is the worst thing you can do when you're depressed." I disagreed: "Withdrawal is exactly what moves me through depression." This interchange led us to a very interesting discussion of the definition, process, and gift of depression. Periods of withdrawing from the demands of work, relationships, and normal daily activity are a necessary part of working out a healthy life. Being alone is a natural, normal, and essential part of human experience, formalized by every philosophical, religious, and esoteric school of thought as meditation, retreat, and contemplation. In Western society, we resist solitary contemplation, even fear it, preferring constant and excessive activity. People who prefer their own company are considered weird. It is clear to me that depression is intimately connected to my creative process: my most creative periods — painting, writing, or making major life changes — are often preceded by a period of depression. The very act of creation, bringing an idea into manifestation, requires a shedding of outward concerns, a lonely withdrawal to my inner space that can at first feel very much like depression. As I have learned not to resist it, to move with it, I have learned a great deal about creativity, about depression, and about the process of personal growth. It is resistance to being alone with our inner life, a failure to honor all it holds for us, that leads to the feeling of stuckness, and eventually to the fatigue, disinterest, and emotional numbness that we identify as depression. But in my working definition of depression (as an artist and as a therapist), this stuckness is only a part of a necessary cycle of human growth and consciousness. It is a symptom of a deeper cause that, when revealed and worked with creatively, releases us into a new, revitalized level of feeling and awareness. Think for a moment of how you feel when everything is going just right. Chances are you feel open, at ease. Everything feels like it's in its right place. (At these times, I always have a sense of rightness that I can only express as "Of course!) There's a sense of fulfillment, doing the right thing at the perfect time; a feeling of happiness, connection; a quality of joy. Now think of how you feel when you have a difficult problem or an intractable situation to deal with, one with no evident solution. Most likely you feel a contraction in your gut. You have a feeling of confusion or frustration. You feel resistant; you wish it would just go away. It doesn't go away. If you resist dealing with it, or if you don't have the necessary skills or tools, the frustration builds. There's a feeling of pressure that may express itself as anger and blame, or it may collapse into a sense of hopelessness and victimhood, often alternating between these poles. Unless this cycle of anger and blame is interrupted, it will lead to the stuckness, the numbness, of depression, which may continue indefinitely. This is the downward cycle of depression. Yet there is a second, upward, movement that releases the stuckness, lifting and completing the cycle. In my creative work, I often experience a foreshortened version of this cycle. The urge to create may present itself as an idea for a poem or story, some feeling or picture that wants to be expressed, or some need in my world that wants to be addressed. How to best express these seed ideas presents a whole set of problems. Where to find the time and resources for the project can sometimes seem monumental. There is always a period of difficulty and frustration that must be lived through; creativity is not a comfortable process. Acceptance is the first essential step: acceptance of the idea, acceptance of the problems and feelings involved, acceptance of the process required. The controller in me must be surrendered to the witness; at best, I have a sense of watching my idea express itself without me. Often the initial attempt at presenting an idea begins an oscillating cycle of frustration, acceptance, expression, reevaluation; frustration, acceptance, expression, etc., each cycle approaching completion. When I am successful at fully expressing myself, there is a release: I have arrived at a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. I realize that my frustration is long gone; the anger and despair of the process has evaporated. I have a sense of rightness — of course! I feel happy, connected to life. Life is good. I have a feeling of joy. It's this return to openness and joy that is the completion of the cycle of depression. In my creative life, in finding my right livelihood in the greater world and in my work with my clients, this completion is the goal. Whether through searching for unique creative expression, confronting old painful memories, or trying to resolve a difficult current situation, completion of this cycle of depression and renewal brings with it renewed awareness and self-empowerment, greater feelings of aliveness, and connection and purpose; these are the gifts of depression. What is available in this process is not just management of a debilitating condition, but healing, fulfillment, and continuous well-being. Numbing depression reveals a breakdown in the natural cycle of creativity and change required for a healthy life. Something in me that requires integrity in all parts of life and demands that I change is meeting resistance. By searching out and examining traumatic experiences, intractable life situations, and the soul's unmet need for greater expression, I shift the thought patterns and underlying beliefs that create the experience of life. A greater degree of choice becomes evident, and I begin to make better choices for renewal and self-expression. Mario Abbatiello brings thirty years' experience as a counselor, teacher, artist, poet, and spiritual seeker to his unique work with individuals, couples, and groups. His "Radical Transformation Therapy" integrates Jungian dream work, Hakomi body-centered psychotherapy, and rebirthing with training in the arts and his experience in yoga, Zen, and Sufism. Call (206) 365-5595 for information or to schedule an appointment. |
Depression significantly affects close to twenty percent of the population in the Northwest, and touches the lives of uncounted family members and friends. Yet we tend to stigmatize depression. We want to ignore it or wish it away. We see it as a problem, a condition, a disease. We either suffer through it or manage it. Seldom do we use depression, benefit from it, or value its gifts. Working with depression in my own life and with my clients, I treat it differently.